Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sowing some seeds

If I were writing this on paper, the first several lines of my writing would be nearly worn through on paper. Probably grey and smudged from erasing and re-writing so many times. Ripped to shreds, with bumps from the gummy eraser underneath, the words have a new dimension. They're raw and I keep stuttering as I try to get them out. I've started and stopped so many times. Because this time, words just can't seem to properly convey my thoughts. But it's the best I can do, and so only after I've come to terms with the thought that these words are a mere mode of expression--not the sole and full expression, I can keep writing. 

Two months in, and 2014 has been so good to me. It has nourished me in areas I never thought I would be satiated. It has starved me in some places I didn't even know could be hungry. I've been following each and every calling from my heart. I've slept when I felt exhausted, stretched when my muscles ached, eaten when my stomach growled, and laughed when I felt I needed to cry. It feels so foreign and indulgent to care for all your own needs as they come, not as it is convenient to care for them. It is remarkable to feel each and every emotion and know that it is raw and organic, and produced only by the equal parts anxious-crazy head and contagiously-enthusiastic heart you possess. It feels so fulfilling to know that this world is brimming with treasures around every corner--and that the most valuable treasures are the people with whom we share our vulnerabilities. 

I feel, not as if I've grown, but as if I've been paired down; I've been stripped down to get to the real core of who this girl is. She is wild. She is strong willed and stubborn. She is future thinking, but trying desperately to get lost in this. exact. second. 

She is anxious to get lost in all the muddymessysweatybloodyteary emotions of this moment. She is understanding the value of the word 'no' and how each day is meant to be filled with as many things as possible that will make you smile now, tomorrow, and five years from now. She knows that she is sowing some really incredible seeds with absolutely no assurance that the flowers will grow, or if they do, no assurance they will be pretty or smell nice. But it wont really matter that much. It will only matter that they grew. And in the end, it will only matter that she planted something. Perhaps the world will never know what it was she planted. And perhaps it will grow into the most incredible community garden this globe has ever seen. Only time will tell. But for now, she is just grinning really big because those seeds are in the ground, and that is worth smiling for now, tomorrow, and five years from now. 

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